Relationship Spies
by Bobby South
Summary: Set during 'Peter's Daughter'. Peter's diary of checking on Meg and Michael.
1. File One: The Movie Theatre

Hi, Peter Griffin here. You know, for about seventeen years, I've had a useless-than-a-piece-of-crap daughter called Meg and she had never really done anything to impress me. That is until she went into a coma and she, bravely all by herself, came out of it. That really impressed and made me less-worried thinking about of all the horrible times I've treated her. Then I vowed to treat her a lot better and I started to by not calling her names, leaving her diary alone, making sure she's tucked to bed and that no bastard or bitch picks on her, like Connie D'Amico who I beat the crap out off.

Then, one night, the medial student called Michael, who works at the hospital and met Meg when she was there, arrived at the door and had asked her to come on a date with him. I tried to tell him to piss off, but Lois said I should talk to Michael about it and give him a chance. And I did.

But, five minutes later, I felt uncomfortable about losing my only daughter so I went out there and saw that Meg and Michael were happily talking to each other. Then I noticed there were a lot of trees. So I got my leaves disguise and starting walking on the other side of the road.

"What a nice little neighbourhood you live here," I heard Michael saying.

"Well, we do have a cop here called Mr. Swanson, who is one of my dad's friends," answered Meg.

Then they must've heard me walking so I froze like a ballet dancer. "That's Mr. Harrison, Michael," Meg said, not noticing me. "He's quite a fuzzy gardener."

"And so he should be," added Michael.

When they moved, I tried to move only to find them two looking at me and me changing my appearances, like looking George Washington, a karate fighter or me taking a dump.

"Sometime he goes too far," added Meg. And they walked off. I would've moved if a dog didn't come near me and take a piss near my leg! No, it's not Brian.

* * *

After thirty minutes of dogs dumping their piss and poops at my feet, I changed into a much smarter suit and caught up with Meg and Michael at the movie theatre and heard they were going to see the latest Pixar movie, _Ratatouille_. I asked for the same and nicked myself an _I Am Legend_ mask so Meg wouldn't recognize me. I stayed in and watched Michael and Meg enjoying the movie. Then I watched the movie and I found it hilarious that I laughed so much that others must have left because they love it so much that they're going to tell Pixar to make it come out on DVD.

When the movie finished, I stayed to watch Meg and Michael walk out of the theatre. I tried to follow but then I got a huge press conference mistaking me for Will Smith and asking for a lot of questions, like "Are you starting to grow white hands?" and "What's your next movie?", which I did not know.

Then I was approaching home when Meg thanked Michael for a wonderful night out and he asked her if she would like to go out with him again when he can. And she said yes. So I would be on the alert for the next one...


	2. File Two: Super Bowl

Three nights have passed since Meg went on a date with that imposter of a doctor! Then, on this night, she answered the phone and said she would pick up Michael in her car and take her somewhere exciting! He said it was her choice. Now knowing Meg, she would never go to some place awesome like football or the arcade or the _Death Star_, but, since she was my only daughter, I had no choice but to go after her! So, before she left, I put in her bag a mini-radio and then off she went.

Then I waited five minutes later and then I got on my motorbike, the Peter Bike, and gave chase with my mini tom-tom and drove off! I haven't rode long until I first heard the conversation with Meg and Michael.

"You live in a very nice house," said Meg.

"Well, thanks, Meg," said Michael. "Guess who cleans it?"

"You? What about your mom and dad?"

"They're always busy working and not spending enough time with me," sighed Michael. "All they did was get me an XBOX 360 and a Playstation 3 just to keep me entertained."

Then something bumped into me and I fell off my bike and landed on the road.

"Hey, watch where you're going, dirtbag!" the guy shouted.

"I'll go wherever I please, you – " As I turned around, I saw it was my friend Joe. "Oh, Joe, I'm sorry."

Joe was with Quagmire and Cleveland, who helped him back in his chair.

"Where are you these days, Peter?" Quagmire demanded to know.

"Ever since Meg went in that coma, he's really changed," sighed Cleveland. "Just like Scoorge. Don't bother to roll the flashback clip; it's won't be funny."

"You know, Peter, if you drive over me or anyone like that again, not only will you lose your driving license, but you may lose your friends, too!" threatened Joe, as he and Cleveland and Quagmire walked off. I gave them a finger and I got back on my bike and drove off.

* * *

I managed to track Meg's car to the Super Bowl. So I disguised myself as a young teenager with sunglasses and long blonde hair. I asked for one bowling when four more teenagers – three boys and one girl – approached me.

"We're in a bowling competition against the Joan Crawford High. You're a bowling pro?" asked the leader.

"Well, I can throw," I answered.

"Prove it! We at the Buster Keaton High take no chances, no losers and no wieners," said the tough black guy, who grabbed me and dragged me to their lane. On the way, I saw Meg and Michael who was enjoying their game, but for how long? I had to find out, but how could I now I had joined someone else's team and I had to prove all I could be.

When it was my first go, I self-doubted myself. Then I remembered that Adam Sandler movie _The Water Boy_, wherever someone was pissing him off, he would pretend his enemies were that someone's face. That's what I did – I used Michael's faces on each other the skittles and that's how I got strikes all the time.

Then my team was so proud of me and they were glad they found me. As the leader went to get the trophy, I saw Meg and Michael leaving the building. I tried to sneak out, but I was pulled by the same tough dude to celebrate with pizzas and sodas, which smelled worse than Stewie's diapers!

It was eleven o'clock when I got back from home and I landed straight to bed, not realising I was squashing the crap out of Lois.

"Peter! PETER! GET OFF!" But I didn't even hear her, so how she survived having me on her or not, I'll never know.


	3. File Three: Quahog Mountains

The next day I woke up and I found myself lying on the floor of the bed. I saw Lois coming out of the bathroom.

"Hey, Lois, why did you push me out of bed?" I demanded to know. "Especially all I want after making sure Meg was safe was to get onto bed and rest on something soft."

"Well, I don't mind coming into bed as long as that "soft thing" isn't me!" Lois yelled. "Now you can relax as Meg has taken Michael for a walk in the Quahog Mountains."  
"Oh, yes, Lois," I said, slowly getting into bed. "That's what I need right – WHAT?" Then I quickly jumped out of bed.

"The hospital is very busy that Michael is not need, so they gave him the day off and he and Meg wanted to get some fresh air," answered Lois. "You know, I think the chemistry between them is really working."

"Yeah, like a scientist's failed experiment," I moaned. Then I quickly got out and went to the mountains in the Petercopter.

* * *

It didn't take me long to reach the mountain. Then I saw Meg and Michael, with bag packs and walking sticks, starting upwards already. Then I parked near the Rescue Center Heliport. I saw no one around, so I sneaked into the building and found it as empty as the ship from _Alien_, even emptier.

I looked around and saw a telescope. I looked through it and I saw Meg and Michael walking and talking happily. They were nearly at the very top and I saw the sky. The weather was getting greyer and greyer! That meant one thing: The end of the world! I didn't want to spend the last five minutes without Meg; so I picked myself a jet-pack and a net to wrap myself around in to disguise myself and two long metal pipes and put feathers on them. I was now the perfect... robin!

I flew to the mountains and I was flapping the metal pipes on my arms to make it look like I was flying. I saw the top and Meg and Michael up there. They sat down and looked around.

"Oh, what a climb," sighed Michael. "Are you sure you're not in any sports club, Meg? Because you're a good walker."

"No, Michael," said Meg. "Whenever I try to join in, I'm always late. But I enjoy walking because it takes all the pressures and the troubles out of your head."

"Yeah," agreed Michael. "I haven't felt this good since for a very long time." Then they all sat back and relaxed and saw me flying in the sky.

"That's a strange bird," said Meg, pointing to me.

"Yeah, I think it's like some giant black bird with a lot of weight," thought Michael.

_All right, that's it!_ I thought as I flew down to grab him, but then the jet-pack lost its fuel and I was forced to go down very dangerously!

I couldn't see but I _did_ hear that Meg and Michael were talking about me as I fell down. "What do you think we should do, Michael?" asked Meg.

"We should get down there and see to him," answered Michael. "I'm training to become a vet too, Meg."

Luckily, I was caught by Superman and he put me in a nest on a tree near the ground. "Now, you must rest to get that wing better!" he told me and he flew away.

"You're a superhero, not a doctor!" I shouted back. I got out and I tried to fly away, but I landed on the ground flat as a pancake.

Then I saw Michael and Meg running down the mountain. I knew I had to get out, but it was very difficult and there was no time for messing around. I had to cut a wing arm off to free my arm and then I could get out the body. I realised I still had a wing stuck to my left arm. I was about to take it off, but here came the couple so I ran into the woods. I hid behind a tree and saw Meg and Michael surveying the "bird body". What a bunch of lunatics!

"It's all metal, Meg!" exclaimed Michael.

"Yeah, I'd say it was a scientist's experiment," Meg said.

While they were busy, I ran for back to the heliport.

* * *

Guest what I found at the heliport? No Petercopter! Then I saw Meg and Michael coming nearby, so I had to get away somehow. Then I saw an old push-car toy, where four-year-olds could push their parents in that small toy. Or is that the other way around? Anyway, I got in and waited for someone to push me, but no one came, so I had to drive it with my feet like Fred Flintstone.

It was late at night when I got back to my house, but first I had to dump that toy somewhere. I dumped at Cleveland's house, because he was the nearest and I went inside. After dinner, Lois and I watched the news.

"How is the weather, Ollie?" asked Tom Tucker.

"VERY DARK!" Ollie shouted.

"Thanks, Ollie," said Tom.

"In other news," said Diana Simmons, "a helicopter knocked a house down in search of a toy. Here's the footage."

The footage showed Cleveland's house and a little boy was being pulled down from the helicopter hovering over it. He picked the toy up, but before it was out of sight, the helicopter knocked into the house, especially the bathroom.

"No! No! No! No! No! No!" cried Cleveland as he along with the bath fell outside and crashed.

"PETER!" yelled Lois.

I knew I had to come up with something. "Where's Chris? Brian? Stewie? What's the name of that daughter we almost lost?"


	4. File Four: Michael's Graduation

For about a week, nothing special happened between Meg and Michael. Well, Michael would come around for dinner and spend time with Meg. Then today was the day when Michael would graduate from Quahog Medical University and start working at the hospital for real. Since his parents couldn't even find time to go on that day, he invited Meg especially. And little did he know that someone uninvited went there – that would be me! Ha ha ha!

So I went and disguised myself as a janitor. I had the uniform and the cleaning trolley, but I didn't clean anything, not even wipe my own ass in the bathroom. I just stood there and watched Meg and the crowd cheering Michael and the other medical students getting their diplomas and becoming certified doctors.

Then the boss of the University came to me. "Just my luck!" he shouted. "That actor has just cancelled five minutes before he was due!"

"Which actor is that?" I asked.

"Hugh Laurie from _House_," the boss answered. "You watch _House_, don't you?"

"Oh, yeah!" I exclaimed.

"Right, come with me," smiled the boss and I followed him to backstage. He dressed me up in a doctor's uniform and then I hid behind the curtain as he went out.

"Now, ladies and gentlemen," he said through the microphone, "in honour of your achievements, I present to you _House_!

As the curtain opened, they saw nothing, but a small wooden house. Then it fell down on top of me! "Oh, boy, the Pig who made his house out of sticks, must have more wind than the Big Bad Wolf, eh?"

No one laughed, but Meg and Michael decided to get out of the building. I tried slipping on a banana, dance with a skeleton like Fred and Ginger and squeeze milk out of my nipples into empty milk bottles and all that stuff Hugh Laurie did with Stephen Fry. But no one was laughing and they left the room in seconds. I don't understand it! I was doing what I was suppose do and the room was empty and the boss was kicking the props on the set!

"What did I do wrong?" I asked.

"You were supposed to act _House_, not _Patch Adams_!" he screamed. Then he got out a giant hat and pushed me in. Then he waved his wand and the next thing I knew I was outside the university in the pouring rain! I ran to the door, but it was locked. Then I peeked through the window and found the students celebrating with a glass of wine, but neither Michael nor Meg was in there.

Then I heard a disco playing on the other side of the road. I ran across the street and saw out through the window Meg and Michael enjoying their meal. I couldn't see what they were eating, but despite the rain, I could see Meg giving Michael a graduation present: the Complete _Call of Duty_ Series on XBOX 360. He hugged her for that. Then they went on the dance floor and starting dancing. Meg knew she saw me for the first time in this business so I decided to go back home. So far the easiest so far, but the next one will be harder than trying build the Egyptian Pyramids. I'll let you imagine what my show would have showed you.


	5. File Five: Visit to the Hospital

The next day, Lois was angry at me in the morning. "Peter Griffin, this is going too far!" she shouted. "Do you want Michael out of Meg's life, is that it?"

"Look, Lois, I know I never cared about her boyfriends before, but since she went in that hospital and he's working there, I don't what to lose her again!" I shouted back.

"Well, maybe you're struggling with all of this anxiousness," thought Lois. "Let's go to Daddy's and see if he can do something to beat this crap, like how psychiatrists beat the crap out of our their patients.

_I remember one time when I heard about a patient was telling all about her problems and how she can't get it out of her head. So the psychiatrist got a gold club and starting whacking it on her forehead. "Get the hell out of that head, you brainless bastards!" he shouted. "Get out!"_

So when we went there, Mrs. Pewterschmidt and Lois were sun-bathing near the swimming pool, while Carter made me do hedge-trimming. Every time I did my best, it was always "This is cut too deep!" and "That's not cut enough, Griffin!" I wish he would make his mind up. Then I was losing focus on the job and I accidentally cut Carter's cheek. It was bleeding so bad that he had to go straight to hospital. If I told Lois, she would have taken her daddy to stop me spying on Meg. So I put Carter in the car and drove him to the hospital. I took him in and Dr. Hartman came to me and said, "Mr Griffin, it'll only take him thirty minutes to stitch his head."

"Oh, your hospital is working in miracles now, is it?" I asked.

"Oh, yeah, my son has been going to Hogwarts," smiled the doctor.

So I waited and waited and then I saw Michael, in his doctor's uniform, and Meg, in a nurse's uniform, coming us towards.

"Well, Meg, your first day as a volunteer nurse and you're doing well," smiled Michael.

"Well, I'm learning from the best," she chuckled, gesturing towards him.

While they were taking, I changed into a tuxedo and put my fake moustache on! Then Michael asked Meg to go and see if I was having a problem. So she went. "Can I help you, sir?"

"Oh, no, I'm playing James Bond in the latest James Bond movie," I said, putting on my best cockney accent I could.

"Well, you sound too cocky for it," Meg said, suspecting. "And what happened to Daniel Craig?"

"Well, ever since that wonderful film _Casino Royale _came out, they thought he portrayed Bond moodily so they're looking for a more happy Bond," I answered.

"More like Austin Powers or Johnny English to me," said a doubtful Meg, who walked away.

"Phew!" I took my moustache off and wiped my forehead. Then more trouble came. I saw Lois and Mrs. Pewterschmidt come in the worst sun burnt than when Superman's home planet got destroyed! Lois had to stay out of the sun for a week and I had to do her jobs, because Meg was busy with the hospital, Brian and Stewie were busy together as usual and Chris was far too stupid that he couldn't wipe his ass, let alone a plate!

Remember, in the last file, I told this was going to be tougher than that one? Well, it was but I bet this isn't what you imagine. But I promise you the next one was hard work.


	6. File Final: Quahog Lake and Conclusions

For about the last four days, I supported Lois all the time. I cooked and cleaned for her and she was getting better and relaxing so much, I think she was taking too much advantage of me.

So today, I was asked to go to the grocery store and pick up some food. But did I go there? No, sir! This sunny afternoon, Meg was going to take Michael somewhere so I planted a tracking device in her car and after five minutes, I followed to where she was – at Quahog Lake. I walked through the woods and I saw Meg, wearing a pink bikini top and a black skirt, and Michael wearing a white shirt and grey shorts. They were sitting next to each other, having a picnic and enjoying the sun.

Later, taking her glasses off and putting goggles on, Meg said, "Come on, Michael, let's go for a swim."

Michael slowly took his shirt off and put his goggles on. "I don't really know how to swim, Meg."

Liar! He must be lying! He must be planning on drowning her! But Meg took his hand and they walked together. "Well, I'll show you," she said. "Come on!"

So they entered the lake. I swooped from tree to tree to see how they were doing and Meg was teaching Michael everything she knew and he must be a fast learner; or maybe he's tricking her because no one learns _that_ fast or at least the first thirty minutes.

"You're a very good teacher, Meg," smiled Michael. "I never knew I had it in me."  
"Well, now you're advanced, let's take it underwater," Meg said. "Come on."

They held hands and dived under.

He must be planning on drowning her! So I had to get underwater and stop them somehow. So I went to my car and got out my aquanaut suit. I put it on and I followed in pursuit.

* * *

I was surrounding by fish as I was walking on the sea bed. Quahog Lake had more fish than there were in the Barrier Reef. Speaking of which, I met Marlin the Clownfish and his friend Dory.

"Where can my son be?" asked Marlin.

"Your son, Shito?" Dory was always forgetting the name.

"Nemo! How many times, Dory?" Marlin sighed as he swan on.

After the swam of fish, I managed to see Meg and Michael happily swimming along on the sea bed, happily holding hands. They were coming my way so I stood still and pretend I was a statue, which was all right because I saw octopuses with Liverpool accents playing_ Octopus's Garden_.

As soon as the couple swam pass me, I was losing air so I had to get back up to the surface. So I went back up to the surface and took my suit off. Then I saw Meg and Michael coming up on the surface.

"Thank you for a wonderful new experience, Meg," said Michael.

"Thank you for finding someone for me for sharing it," she said, pointing to him.

Then, for the first time, they actually kissed. Then Michael's phone rang and he saw it.

"It's my parents, Meg," said Michael. "They want to catch up with me and I want you to meet them."

"Really?" Meg felt deeply honoured. "Let's go!"

* * *

Later that night, I went to Michael's house and I looked through the window. And I saw Michael's parents actually liking Meg. But when someone would come out of the house, all they would see a poor homeless person living on the street - that would be me! I'm glad this kind of business ain't getting old or losing its grip. That is until, of course, when I followed Meg and Michael to a restaurant dressed in a Japanese uniform and that's when the jig was up. But, on the bright side, I'm glad I got that bastard out of my daughter's life for good! Of course, Meg never thanked me, but at least I knew what was best for her. But then, after two weeks, this whole business came back to me when I found out that Meg was pregnant. For more details, watch the rest of the episode! I'm closing the case!


End file.
